The point of this blog isn’t for a million people to see it. If you have stumbled across this blog for some reason or another, that’s great and I’m more than happy to share all of this with others. But the point is for me to have another tool to work on controlling the bulimia I’ve dealt with since about ninth grade. I’m a writer, so I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this before now but I feel like this will be incredibly cathartic and a great way to keep track of progress/motivate myself to focus on being completely healthy.
I’m a Sophomore in college. Around my senior year of high school I realized that I hadn’t ever actually dealt with my bulimia. I just let it run my life and honestly, I didn’t look or feel any better. My weight bounced around constantly. So I knew that I needed to try something new. I started studying nutrition and started an exercise routine that I could stick to. It worked really well for the first year. I stopped obsessing as much about everything associated with my bulimia and I even developed those ab lines I’d always wanted. However, that mindset never really goes away. I still struggled with days when my eating disorder controlled things and over the Summer, I strayed a lot from my healthier lifestyle. Now, a year later, I’ve gained about ten pounds back which doesn’t sound like a lot to most people but for someone with an eating disorder, that’s enough to make me want to hide in my room and take down all mirrors. It makes me physically sick to see it. So, while I’m getting myself back on track with my nutrition and exercise, I’m going to work on blogging my way through it so I don’t let the Bulimia take control again. I’ll post my daily food and exercise journal so that I can keep track. Sometimes I’ll even post recipes so I can go back and remember the ones that I really liked. And I’ll just post what I’m feeling so I can get it out instead of trying to ignore it until I end up back in usual binge and purge cycle that normally accompanies the depression characteristic of bulimia.
Which leads us to today. Every since Monday I’ve felt worse than I have in a really long time. I feel like I’ve gained five pounds over night. I want to cry just looking myself in the mirror. I’ve caught myself on multiple occasions reminding myself that I’ve eaten plenty for the day and shouldn’t eat anymore for the rest of the night – after only eating about 400 calories between breakfast and lunch. I’m getting pretty hopeless and it’s hard to work up the motivation to work out and fix it when I feel so depressed. It’s lasted 3 days now. So, Bulimia 3; Valerie 0. I can’t lie and be all motivational and say that I refuse to let that score move to 4-0 tomorrow, but I’m going to do my best to try.
I feel shallow caring so much about my appearance. I know that there are so many more important things out there in the world. My heart breaks constantly for those who have no food, no shelter, and no one that makes them feel loved. I want to do something to help them and in comparison my silly issues really aren’t that bad. But I can’t help it. An eating disorder is about so much more than just how I look. It affects everything about my life. It’s about an overall sense of depression and self-loathing and I want to be able to get it under control so I can be focused enough to actually help all of the people I want to help. Right now all I want to do is go to sleep and stay that way except for classes and work.
Tonight I’m going to start buckling down and I’m actually really excited about it. I’ve recently convinced my quadmate to start eating healthier too so we are going to start doing the Insanity workout program and we’re going to make Mediterranean turkey burgers. Yum!!! It’s pathetic how excited I get about good, healthy food. Studying nutrition as much as I have has really put me in a new place in my relationship with food though. I love all of the good things good food can do for you. I love to cook and I love to eat. I just have to make sure that what I’m eating is good for me.
On a happy note! I sold some old clothes to Plato’s Closet today in hope of getting 10 bucks for extra gas money so I can get home the next couple of weekends and I ended up getting $20. Woo hoo! Much needed gas money. Can’t wait to get home this weekend. My best friend from high school is coming back to visit from Germany for the first time in two years! Missed her so much. God’s definitely working hard to cheer me up this week so I’m doing my best to meet him halfway and attempt to focus on positive things.
Eating Journal 4/10
Breakfast: Chocolate Mint Crunch Nutrition Balance Bar, 200 calories/22g carbs
Lunch: Oatmeal with 1/2 scoop chocolate whey protein powder, chocolate coconut butter ( 1 tblspn), organic chocolate hazelnut spread (1 tblspn), chunky omega-3 peanut butter (1 tblspn), unsweetened coconut flakes, chia seeds, hemp seeds, and buckwheat. Between 300-350 calories/30g carbs
Snack: About half a cup of grapes and 3 swiss cheese cubes. Calories/carbs unknown
Dinner: Turkey burger (Italian Seasoning, Steak Seasoning, Cayenne Pepper, Cinnamon), hummus, spinach, grilled asparagus, a drizzle of italian dressing, black pepper. Calories unknown/0g carbs. Seriously, try adding cinnamon to your next burger mix. It’s surprisingly delicious.